Edgar Allen Poe once said, "Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."  I get it. Worse, of course, is the realization that what it wants the very most is something impossible, unreachable, and wondering if the wanting will ever go away. It does not.

I want my Mom back. To say I was devastated, literally brought to my knees by the news that she had killed herself is an understatement of epic proportions. The violent image of her using a firearm to end her life is something that still keeps me awake at night, aching with unanswered questions, guilt, and a sadness that permeates from every cell of my being.

I want my best friend Rick back. He was the strongest, most "live out loud" person I have ever met to this very day. Cancer took this absolute oak tree of a man, and reduced his body to a frail and fragile shell of everything that he had once been. He died in my arms and I was left furious, and very afraid that his extraordinary will, and strength was completely ineffective in conquering it.  And then I found this:

And, to be perfectly honest, it pissed me off.  We all know it, in theory of course. We don't have to reaally know it until we are faced with the ugly reality of how selfish and small we actually are in relation to it. That has been my struggle of late, and I am well aware that the struggle is not mine alone. The insidious nature of grief is that it feels like such a vacuum, that our suffering is larger than, different from, anyone else's.  The pain of losing those we love the most is so so massive, so consuming, how could we feel otherwise?   I am of the firm belief that the best method of lessening this crushing feeling in our chests is to reach out, when we are ready, to others who know exactly what we mean.  That is why I created this blog, why I choose to make myself available to anyone who needs to rant, to share, who wants to try to heal along with me.  At the end of the day, after all, we're all we've got.  Peace, love and light to you all....