The holidays. Yay.

Here’s the thing; Just as everyone grieves differently, heals differently, we all have our triggers. Things that jump out of everyday life and smack us like a 2 x 4.   There you are, feeling good and making progress and feelin’ all get down with your bad self and then, BAM!.. a song, a scent, a story…it’s a situational minefield. You do what you can, you excuse yourself to the bathroom, change the subject, look away in hopes for a diversion.  There is death and violence and tragedy all around us, and just because I’m hypersensitive to it most certainly does not protect me from it.  And it’s hard, and it sucks.  What makes it so annoying is that I thought I had made such progress.  I was dealing better with the missing, the anger, the “No Fair!” of my mom’s death, and here come the holidays.  My mom LOVED the holidays. She was all about love, and family, and warmth, and heart-felt hugs when you left. I miss that.  I miss it like I would miss air, or food, or… well.  I have spent a lot of time trying to work through the horror of her passing. I have spent, sadly, a lot of time working with friends and strangers alike as they tried to process their own grief. I’m so much better than a year ago.

However, it is now “the holidays”.  My kryptonite.  So, I humbly ask you to be nice to your fellow human this holiday season.  The person who cut you off in traffic, or cut in front of you at Macy’s, or maybe, like me, is laughing a little too loud is, perhaps, trying hard to keep it together while they struggle with something bigger than them. Just sayin’.. we all have a lot to be thankful for.. if you’re not freakin’ out a little on the inside        ~ be thankful for that. Peace to you & yours.. 

Losing a Pet

A good friend of mine is devastated.  He came home to find his beloved Doberman, Red, had died. I understand, and you probably do, too. Researchers have long known that the animal-human bond is strong: A 1988 study in the Journal of Mental Health Counseling asked a group of dog owners to place symbols for their family members and pets in a circle representing each dog owner’s life. (The distance between the subject and the other symbols corresponds to the relative, real-life closeness of those relationships.) The subjects tended to put the dog closer than the average family member, and about as close as the closest family member; in 38 percent of the cases, the dog was closest of all.

Research comparing grief over the death of pets to that over the death of friends and family members has come up with different answers. A 2002 article in the journal Society & Animals that reviewed multiple studies found that the death of a companion animal can be “just as devastating as the loss of a human significant other,” not quite as severe, “far more intense” or, well, just about the same.  

Sandra Barker, the director of the Center for Human-Animal Interaction at Virginia Commonwealth University, who co-authored the 1988 diagram study, counsels grieving pet owners and teaches veterinary students the importance of understanding the process. Studies aside, her own experience has taught her that the intensity and longevity of the grief vary widely. Like me, her clients sometimes begin the process with a sense of surprise and even shame that they’re grieving more for their pet than for a sibling or parent.

“But when they realize that the difference is the pet gave them constant companionship, and there was total dependency, then they start to realize that’s why they’re grieving so intensely,” she said.